Whānau support is one of the most important factors for rainbow people's wellbeing and mental health. When rainbow people have loving, affirming relationships with whānau, they are more able to overcome other barriers they might face in their lives.
On the other hand, rejection or alienation from whānau is linked with negative health outcomes, and can contribute to homelessness and mental distress. From the research we have in Aotearoa (including Youth2000 (1,2), the Identify Survey and Counting Ourselves), the majority of rainbow people have at least some family support, but they are less likely than their peers to be supported by their whānau, and some face rejection or violence related to their identity. A 2019 study found more than 20% of New Zealanders would not be comfortable with rainbow people as part of their immediate family.
Working with whānau
If you’re supporting people in a health, social, education or community setting, especially if you’re working with young people, you’ll often be working with their whānau as well. A few things to consider when working with rainbow people and their whānau:
Take the lead from the person you’re working with. Ask questions, and don’t assume you know what’s best for their life, relationships and cultural context.
Ask respectful questions about what’s going on with their whānau, and be prepared to listen to their experiences. Seeking support with family relationships might be a reason why someone approaches a service – for example, worrying about their family’s possible reaction to coming out, or dealing with an abusive situation at home because of a whānau member who does not accept them.
Carefully consider the balance between the benefits or requirements to include whānau, and the person’s need for privacy and autonomy. Check who the person wants to work with, and ask questions about what information can be shared. For example, family might know someone by a different name or use different pronouns for them, or might not be aware of details about their identity or experience that they’ve shared with you.
Don’t assume you know who a person’s closest contacts are, and make sure you’re thinking about whānau in an inclusive sense. For some people, their parents might not be supportive but they may be close to other adults in their whānau. For some, friends or chosen whānau may be closer than birth whānau.
As a professional, you might have a role in educating whānau – talking to them about the person’s identity, or sharing some of the resources linked below. Ask the person whether they would like you to do this, and respect their views.
In this video, Dr Elizabeth Kerekere talks about how to support parents and whānau of rangatahi takatāpui to understand and accept them. This is a short clip from our webinar on working with rangatahi takatāpui.
Resources for parents and whānau
These resources are designed to help whānau to understand and support the rainbow people in their lives:
Be There: an education campaign from the Rainbow Support Collective aiming to support the whānau around rainbow young people to be more inclusive, affirming and safe.
Takatāpui.nz: a resource hub for Takatāpui and their whānau.
Let’s Talk. A Resource Guide for Parents: a guide from OutLine for supporting young people who have come out or are questioning their gender or sexuality.
Your child is a taonga: a support guide for parents of intersex rangatahi, developed by Intersex Youth Aotearoa.
VSC - A Practical Guide for Parents in Aotearoa NZ: an information hub for parents of people born with a variation of sex characteristics.
Our Be There webinar with Intersex Aotearoa about how parents and whānau can support intersex children and young people.
Listening To and Supporting Trans & Non-Binary Young People: a factsheet we produced with Counting Ourselves sharing evidence-based advice about how whānau and friends can support the young people in their lives to grow up with a sense of belonging and safety (accessible Word version of Counting Ourselves factsheet).
Storm Clouds and Rainbows – The Journey of Parenting a Transgender Child: this resource offers insights from a parent perspective on how best to support a transgender child. It is based on international research and interviews with parents in Aotearoa from different social and cultural backgrounds, who were asked to reflect on their experience of raising a transgender child. (single-page PDF version of Storm Clouds and Rainbows) (accessible Word version of Storm Clouds and Rainbows).
Help! Is My Child Transgender?: ideas for parents of gender-questioning kids from Gender Minorities Aotearoa.
Whānau Support: information, resources and support services for parents and whānau from RainbowYOUTH (see also: sexuality 101 and gender 101).
Moso’oi (episode 1) (episode 2) (episode 3) (episode 4): a talanoa between Pasifika mothers and their rainbow children, from the Village Collective.
Talanoa - Clearing Pathways: a collection of stories from rainbow Pasifika people and their families, from the Village Collective.
NZ Parents and Guardians of Transgender and Gender Diverse Children - a parent-led group for support and information.
This short video shows a mother talking about her journey to understanding and supporting her trans son. It was produced by Spark and OutLine as part of Pride celebrations in 2019.